90 Day Fiancé Is Better Than Game of Thrones: Fight Me

Hello, queens! (At this point, we should all know that’s a gender-neutral greeting.)

This week’s episode of 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way is action-packed, emotional, enlightening, and, dare I say, a thousand times better than anything on scripted television. Like, of course I’m a fan of Succession, but most dramas are completely unwatchable because they seem so utterly fake and I’m simply not willing to suspend my disbelief. Gimme the real stuff, baby!

Running a little late with my recap this week because Will Ferrell is a slave driver. We had the Between Two Ferns: The Movie premiere this week where I breathed the same air as Chrissy Teigen, so I’ve been utterly incapacitated since then.

Paul and Karine

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PeeAireEee. I’ve gotta know the origin story of that baby’s name! Anyone have the scoop?

Karine finally looks happy and eyelashed for the first time in three seasons. Birth looks good on her.

Paul asks PeeAirEee whether the baby loves him or Karine more and that’s an unhealthy thing to start thinking. I’m triggered.

Cute baby, though. Paul kisses Karine and it’s literally agonizing to watch. I recoil as if from a hot flame.

Mother Pole gifted everyone in Brazil with bug bands and I can’t think of anything more on-brand, unless she had showed up wearing a wig made of his hair.

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Mother Pole meeting Karine and PeeAirEee is truly the most heartwarming and non-repulsive storyline this couple has ever had. ….And then she goes and touches the baby with all of those bug chemicals. I can’t.

Karine and Mother Pole bond over their shared disdain for Paul and I sense that these women have more in common that anyone can ever know.

Laura and Aladdin

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It’s the first day of Laura and Aladdin’s wedding and Liam bails on his mom, saying he’s tie tie. Listen, did he fly halfway around the world to wear a leather cowboy hat and watch reruns in his hotel room? Or did he do it to support the woman who birthed him from her loins? See, that’s the thing with kids: they’re cute in the beginning like PeeAirEee, but then they get opinionated when they grow up, like Liam. What’s the point? Just get a petite cat who will look like a kitten for many years and snuggle with you when you need it, like my gal Noodle.

In the beginning of this season, I was Team Liam through and through. But this episode has changed my mind. He’s become a bratty little Debbie Downer, and I don’t mean the snack cakes.

Liam tells Laura to choose between him or Aladdin. Maybe he should have thought of that before he took his adorable little underbite to Guitar.

Again, I hate the “him or me” narrative because it’s very triggering. There’s enough love to go around! The world is bountiful! These are my affirmations!

But, also, aren’t Laura and Aladdin already married? They seem happy even though I’ve seen some weird stuff about them on Instagram this week. I’m hoping things don’t take a dark turn, but my expectations are pretty low because we’re dealing with TLC, after all.

Corey and Evelin

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This is the SADDEST SCENE. Watching Corey’s mom take down their Christmas tree after spending the holidays without her husband is unbearable. Losing my husband is literally my biggest fear in life and the thought of it gives me nightmares at least once a month. They never go away!

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That said, Corey, STAY WITH YOUR MOM. She needs you! Find a nice dumb girl in Washington to birth your spawn and you’ll be fine. I can’t imagine that you need much in a partner, aside from a desire to get married and have kids, which Evelin doesn’t possess.

Tiffany and Ronald

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Tiffany and Ronald’s storylines are always a little contrived. It’s like they need to have an activity to stay relevant because their relationship is too healthy.

This week, they take a tour of a public hospital where Tiffany might give birth. They don’t have health insurance and can’t go to a private hospital so she might need to have the baby on the floor because the place is so small. TIFFANY: GO BACK TO MARYLAND!!!!!!!!! Please.

She and Ronald are really dreading the public hospital. Even though it’s tiny and overcrowded, I’ve honestly seen worse ones in Queens. At least this place is clean and cockroach-free!

Also, I don’t know all the logistics of our healthcare system, but AT LEAST SOUTH AFRICA HAS PUBLIC HOSPITALS! THAT MEANS FREE. Oh lord, all these capital letters are making my blood pressure rise. I’m about to need a hospital.

This episode is so good.

NBC

Jenny and Sumit

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TWO YEARS!!!!! SUMIT HAS BEEN MARRIED FOR TWO YEARS! Never in catfish history have we seen something like this before. What kind of sociopath is able to lie for that long? I mean, I moved to LA for a job in Torrance and I lied for a week and said that it was in El Segundo because I thought El Segundo was slightly cooler. Then I felt guilty and told my friends I lied and they all thought I was insane anyway for being ashamed of Torrance. Point is: don’t lie!!!

I just. Sumit. You should have been honest from Jenny from the get-go so that we didn’t have to watch her glasses fog up like this. It’s too sad!

Also, we all knew something didn’t add up. I even said: Aladdin’s family is being nice to Laura, Zied’s family loves Rebecca, why the hell is Sumit hiding Jenny from his family?

Apparently, Sumit’s WIFE showed up to Jenny’s apartment with her entire crew and threatened to put Jenny in jail. Then, Sumit told everyone he loved Jenny and the family dragged him away. Sumit, YOU FUCKED UP BAD.

I guess Sumit’s in an arranged marriage. Maybe he should have arranged to get out of that marriage before taking on a new girlfriend. This ain’t Sister Wives.

(Sidenote: I went to Palm Springs for the first time last weekend. I did not run into Jenny. I did, however, pay way too much for a hotel room so the joke’s on me. I’m more of an Ojai girl, anyway.)

The thing that Jenny’s daughter helps us realize via Skype, is that if Sumit really loved her, he wouldn’t have put her in danger. His wife’s goons could have really roughed her up!

Next week, we’re going to finally hear from Sumit. He looks like he’s been to hell and back and was tranquilized along the way.

Before The 90 Days
It pains me that I haven’t had a chance to watch the whole episode yet, but I do have a couple of thoughts.

• Who am I to call Caesar delusional when I’m a fucking comedian?
• Men throughout the world need to learn that they have no control over women – not their bodies, their tattoos, their attire, nothing.
• Fears are wishes. Angela clearly has PTSD from a past relationship and she’s projecting it onto Micheal (along with a cake to his face). If she keeps accusing him of lying to her, then he will! FEARS ARE WISHES.

You guys, I’m sorry that I’m so brain dead. We can all blame Will Ferrell, Scott Auckerman, and Zach Galifianakis. Watch Between Two Ferns: The Movie on Netflix 9/20!

Published at Thu, 19 Sep 2019 06:52:12 +0000