Today’s Extremely Accurate Virgo And Libra Horoscopes

Providing accurate horoscopes can be tricky, that’s why we here at Funny Or Die made a special pact with the moon to get the inside scoop on what’s coming down the astrological pipes this week for you. Trust us, it’s science.

V I R G O

haha, virgin. August 23 – September 22

This week is all about just GOING for it! Putting yourself out there is risky but right now it will be rewarding. Start twitter beef with John Mayer. Fucking end him

Ugh, social situations can be so hard some time and unfortunately this isn’t going to be an easy week for you. You’re going to projectile vomit during every single conversation

L I B R A

oooh, check that balance! September 23 – October 23

This week is all about relaxation. There’s no better way to relax the body and mind than by watching Chernobyl. It’s on HBO. Very relaxing. Apply some lavender oil before doing so for maximum de-stress.

Try to avoid magic mushrooms this week. Normally, you love magic mushrooms, whether it’s losing an entire weekend in the desert, or microdosing at the office. But this week, you’re primed for a bad trip. And you don’t wanna wake up in a gas station bathroom in Tijuana with nothing but a MAGA hat on. Not again.

Published at Tue, 09 Jul 2019 19:02:39 +0000