Here’s How Dr. Dolittle Would Run The Pet Sematary

Dr. Louis Creed and his wife, Rachel, just want to find a nice quiet spot to raise their two young children. So, naturally, they relocate from the big city to rural Maine — but the part of rural Maine that has dark and foreboding woods and creepy neighbors who talk in riddles. While all that’s going on, guess who recently regained his childhood ability to talk to animals? None other than Dr. John Dolittle — except this time he’s taking his gifts even further, to a dark and sinister place, a place where bears interrupt family picnics and hamsters crack sex jokes. All of this terrifies Dr. Creed and his young, innocent, but not good at looking up Zillow reviews or doing any kind of research whatsoever, family.

FIELD NOTES FROM THE FUNNY OR DIE STAFF

Did you know that Doctor John Dolittle has been around since 1920, first appearing in a series of children’s books by Hugh Lofting? So this is a doctor who is currently 99 years old, who talks to animals, and you’re telling me that after all that time he’s NOT going to use his powers for evil? Come onnnnnn of course he would. If he’s a three-act structure kind of guy, he’ll momentarily go to the dark side and conjure a bunch of adorable murderous chipmunks to overrun Manhattan, but this is his warm-up, opening sequence salvo, and we are ready for it. I want killer Golden Retrievers. I need treacherous raccoons. And, okay, if in the process of Dr. Dolittle’s dark apotheosis (before he turns things around, stops drinking, shaves off that mustache and runs consistently 3x’s a week), a family has to get the living hamster pellets scared out of them — it’s omelettes, you know?

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Published at Thu, 04 Apr 2019 14:00:00 +0000