Amazing iPhone Review Reveals Key New Features To Make You Really, Really Sad

The newest Amazing Little Box That Creates Sadness has been revealed, and we’ve got first impressions. It’s still very early, but there are some exciting and sadness-inducing changes in this latest release. It’s still very early, but overall this Box seems to be headed in the right direction (toward sadness).

FIELD NOTES FROM THE FUNNY OR DIE STAFF

Exceptional materials. The most durable glass ever in a smartphone. A brand new, completely original new finish that delivers sadness just by touch. Atomic-level materials innovation to create a precision-machined, surgical-grade, spacefaring-approved, stainless steel, water and dust resistant (just kidding), drop-it-like-it’s hot new device. But the battery sucks swampturds and the advanced Face Lock means that security is as simple as a look at your new sadness causing device.

It’s the most secure facial authentication ever in a smartphone and practically guarantees that you will feel zero happiness. None. It doesn’t even exist. Why would you even want happiness.

CREDITS:

Written by Jon Millstein
Directed by Cascade Up (Matt Mazany & Ian Skalski)
Edited by Jon Millstein

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Published at Thu, 28 Mar 2019 00:14:00 +0000