Reality TV Is Art 

Hello, friends! Welcome to another week of, “What the hell did I just watch?” aka 90 Day Fiancé.

Reviewing this morning’s Emmy nominations has left me shocked that 90 Day has been snubbed once again! THIS IS ART, PEOPLE!

This episode is a masterclass in the art form of reality television — there’s so much to learn here. Consider this your summer school and I’m Professor Sue Smith.

Magic Chickens

TLC

Corey and Evelin are reality television Picassos who do a subtle tango with the art form.They revere the medium and always provide a compelling storyline, yet never seem phony or contrived. Take note, reality television stars: this is how it’s done!

Enter: the magic chickens. Corey and Evelin visit a live poultry proprietor in town to purchase a chicken for her cousin’s birthday party. My exact thoughts during this scene: OH GOD TLC PLEASE DON’T SHOW THE LADY KILLING THE CHICKEN PLEASE NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Thankfully, we were spared the carnage. But you never can trust TLC, can you? The network has shown worse things on 90 Day, (like Karine’s miscarriage, David’s fight with Nikki’s brother, the list goes on… Actually, I can’t think of anymore but if you can please email me: sue@funnyordie.com)

Anyway, my point is this: I’m going back to being a vegan! (For at least one week.) Much like Corey, I am a softened American wuss.

Corey performs a magic trick for Evelin’s family. Again, a solid segment idea from this couple. I love a weird action. The card trick goes awry when Corey incorporates flames. Listen, Corey, the thing about performing is that you must start off small and work your way up to the fire. Any showman will tell you that.

Now her family thinks he’s a witch and, guess what? Maybe he is.

Jiggy Jiggy

TLC

At first, Aladdin tricks me. He meets Laura at the airport and I’m like, “OMG, maybe he really loves her!” (The bar is low: neither Ronald, Evelin, or Sumit have dragged their asses to the airport.) A moment later, Aladdin asks Laura why she’s gained weight and I hate him again. Damn you for tricking me, Aladdin! You are the real magician.

Unfortunately, I don’t think this couple will last. I think (hope?) Laura will be back to Florida in no time with her wonderful son Liam and her “brother” who makes maple syrup grilled cheese. Sounds wonderful, actually.

Aladdin says he wants to get home and get jiggy jiggy. Interestingly, the popular Will Smith ballad, “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It,” was released in 1997, when Aladdin was just seven years old. Listen, he may need Sex For Dummies, he may be a shitty dude who comments on his wife’s weight, but at least this guy has a job! He’s doing better than 90% of the people on this show!!!

One more (chicken) bone to pick: Laura complains that the new apartment smells like mothballs. I’m offended! Some of us feel comforted by the scent of mothballs, as though we were wrapped in our German-Canadian grandmother’s bony arms.

There are no television lessons here so let’s abandon that metaphor for the time being.

The Tasmanian Devil Has Left The Building

TLC

Off topic but kinda not: is anyone watching Kate Plus Date? She is arguably the single most charismatic person on television. I swear, I will literally give that lady my last two brain cells on a silver platter to join her menagerie of a family.

Drusilla has fallen ill and has departed from Las Vegas. She’s a germ-caked Tasmanian Devil, only less endearing, so I’m unsurprised. I know I poke fun, but I’m actually sad for her because her chaotic energy actually propels this storyline forward. Jihoon and Deavan are 90% less interesting without that tiny demon.

Deavan begs Jihoon’s family for their blessing so the couple can get married. The father gives it but Jihoon’s mother is radio silent because she obviously dislikes Deavan. Finally, the mom awkwardly gives her blessing in a way that’s about as affectionate as my German-Canadian grandmother, may she rest in peace.

A Reality Star Who Sets Boundaries

TLC

Tiffany blew me away this week because she set a boundary. When Ronald tells her about the stripper at his bachelor party, Tiffany looks directly into the camera and refuses to talk about it. Which I fucking respect!!!! More people on reality TV should go ahead and be firm about the shit they don’t want to talk about. You truly do not have to give into pressure from the production crew. You won’t lose your job. I promise you. Though they may seem like friends, the crew never has your best interests in mind. They only care about the show.

Tiffany is a woman with some tools in her spiritual toolbox, and I love that. That said, their segments are boring. Unfortunately, emotionally healthy people do not make great reality stars.

During the commercial break, we get a trailer for a new season of 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days, beginning on August 4th with fresh couples. Hooray! (This franchise is one in which people have only been dating online and haven’t met in person. It’s basically like an international, multi-episode version of Catfish.)

It’s So Awkward

TLC

This is my favorite couple and I want more of them. That said, sometimes Jenny feels like a fragile melting marshmallow.

We see an extremely awkward restaurant scene in which some Indian people make fun of Jenny and Sumit stands up and defends her. That is true love! He’s defending her wonderful, weird honor.

Then we have another awkward moment in which Sumit’s friends offer to accompany him to his parent’s place to deliver the news about he and Jenny because they’re afraid he’ll get killed. It’s unclear to all participants in the conversation whether that fear is a joke, exaggeration, or a legitimate thing. So strange.

Jenny and Sumit then visit an immigration lawyer and hint that there may be some kind of legal battle between Sumit and his parents about the relationship… I don’t get it. He’s a grown dude and they’ve been together for six years so the parents should just chill. The whole thing is so aggressive.

TLC gives us some good foreshadowing, either setting up Jenny and Sumit’s storyline for future episodes or setting them up for a spinoff. I will watch, TLC! I will watch!

There’s nothing from Paul and Karine in this episode and my energy feels cleansed. Next week, Paul takes another treacherous boat trip on the Amazon (hopefully he brings his swim condom!), Sumit stands up to his parents, and Tiffany confronts Ronald about his criminal record. This show gives and gives!!!

So does TLC. This brilliant network (formerly called The Learning Channel, can you believe?) has an epic slate of new shows coming up, including Before The 90 Days (as I mentioned), The Family Chantel (I probably won’t watch because I’ve gotten enough Chantel in previous seasons of 90 Day), and Marrying Millions (WHICH I WILL DEFINITELY WATCH!!!!) I’m so powerless. Hey, at least it’s a healthy addiction… Right?

Published at Tue, 16 Jul 2019 22:48:50 +0000