Today’s Extremely Accurate Taurus And Gemini Horoscopes

Providing accurate horoscopes can be tricky, that’s why we here at Funny Or Die made a special pact with the moon to get the inside scoop on what’s coming down the astrological pipes this week for you. Trust us, it’s science.

T A U R U S

damn dude don’t have a cow! April 21 – May 21

Wear a piece of statement jewelry today. It’ll say “HEY, I’M HERE, LOOK AT ME! FUCKING LOOK AT ME! DO YOU SEE THESE BEADS? OVER HERE!! YOU FUCKING JERK. NOW YOU’RE CLEARLY JUST PURPOSELY LOOKING AWAY. WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE DOES THAT?” Today you’ll put your best foot forward. You’ll be in control. And you’ll have a really big necklace.

You’ve been avoiding your plants, and they’re not happy with you. Spend some time with them. They miss you. Hold them tight

G E M I N I

whoa am I seeing double? May 22 – June 21

You have a higher chance of finding magic shoes that will make you great at basketball this week. Check those dumpsters, honey!

Do not touch cans this week! It’s a bad week for touching cans or any sort of aluminum for that matter. This will be difficult but, believe me, it will pay off somehow when you interview for your dream job and your future boss, who is allergic to cans, doesn’t smell them on you.

Published at Sat, 13 Jul 2019 18:11:38 +0000