Today’s Extremely Accurate Pisces And Aries Horoscopes

Providing accurate horoscopes can be tricky, that’s why we here at Funny Or Die made a special pact with the moon to get the inside scoop on what’s coming down the astrological pipes this week for you. Trust us, it’s science.

P I S C E S

swim with the fishes. February 18 – March 20

You will lose a testicle this week. If you don’t have testicles, you will GAIN a testicle

This week is going to be stressful for your relationships as you’ll find yourself arguing a lot, so don’t call your mom but maybe this is the week you finally try underground street fighting!

A R I E S

ram but not like the truck. March 21 – April 20

This week you’ll have one of those trying-on-clothes-in-the-store montages with your best friend, to the tune of Blink-182, your favorite band from high school. You’ll both walk out naked, go back to your place, and finally fall in love. You never wanted to just be friends, and neither did they!

Avoid friends with food allergies this week. And every week.

Published at Fri, 12 Jul 2019 10:00:00 +0000