This July 4th Can We Admit That Fireworks Suck

Happy 4th of July, America!

Woooooo! Freedom! Dumping tea in harbors! Driving on the right side of the road!! Football! Normalizing use of the word spangled! Saying things like HEY, I’M WALKIN’ HERE!!! This is the day to celebrate all the things that make the United States cool and a wonderful place to live. Unfortunately, the cool stuff is kind of being outweighed by the hefty list of really really really not cool stuff that’s going on in this country as a result of the Orange Man Baby in Chief, who has also totally ruined being able to use the words “America” and “great” together in a sentence which made writing this introduction tricky. But aside from politics, I want to address something with you, the people.

Folks, we need to talk about the way we celebrate the 4th. It’s a long-standing tradition beloved by many, but it needs to go.

That’s right — I’m talking about fireworks.

Look, I get it. Fireworks are pretty and they’re only busted out a few times a year. But hear me out — they kind of suck. Unless you’re actually going out with the intention of watching a fireworks display, they’re annoying at best and an infuriating headache at worst. Even going to watch them kind of sucks. Regardless of where they’re being shot off from, you either have to find parking, which is a nightmare, or take public transit with the thousands of other people going to do the same thing, which is arguably a bigger nightmare. And that experience only lasts a couple hours at most, but as we all know, it doesn’t matter that the 4th of July is one calendar day long, people will light fireworks throughout the whole goddamn week before and after.

HOW MANY NIGHTS MUST WE ALL BE WOKEN UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH THE SOUND OF EXPLOSIONS, AMERICA?? HOW LONG WILL WE STAND FOR THIS??

I know that might make me sound like a royal party-pooper and like I’m acting out of self interest, but I’m not. The real victims of the terror of fireworks are dogs. If you’ve ever owned a dog or know someone who has, you know that July is the most dreaded month of the year. Sure, kids hate fireworks sometimes because they’re loud and scary, but they’ll grow out of that and you can explain what’s going on to a human child.

YOU CANNOT EXPLAIN FIREWORKS TO A DOG TO MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER. THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON OR WHY.

All a dog knows is oh god the world is exploding oh god why is everything so loud oh god I’m going to die what is going on I hate this so much—

AND FOR WHAT? JUST TO BE ABLE TO WATCH SOME EXPLOSIONS BECAUSE TO SOME DEGREE WE’RE ALL KIND OF PYROS? It’s not worth it, America. Look into the faces of these good boys and girls and tell me fireworks are more important than not scaring the bejeezus out of these furry angels.