The Most Insane Moments From This Week’s 90 Day Fiancé

What better way to celebrate the Fourth of July than watching Americans awkwardly interact with people from other cultures?

Dracula Curses South Korea

TLC

This week’s episode only furthers my hypothesis from last week that Drusilla is a tiny villainous hellion. In this episode, her name is spelled Drascilla in the subtitles. Last week, it was Drusilla. Seem as though, much like Jihoon’s parents, the subtitle transcriber could not be bothered with this child.

I did some googling before I openly mocked this child on the internet. I was like, “Hmm, maybe Deavan meant to name her after the similarly-spelled plant.” There are two plants: one named Drusilla (nicknamed, appropriately, “The Strangler”), and one called Dracena (no clever nickname). Maybe Drascilla is a combination of the two? OH! Maybe it’s like Priscilla but with a D. Somebody call Deavan because I MUST CRACK THIS CODE!

The first time we see Drascilla this week, she’s covered in snot, cookies, and general muck. Deavan is nervous because the kid only does well for ten minutes at a time inside any given location. After that, the curse of Drascilla kicks in. Also, why didn’t Deavan bring a stroller and strap her down. She needs to be restrained.

She’s legit making snow angels on the airport floor as Jihoon’s parents arrive. Can we talk about airport germs??? Yuck. I get sick just going to pick someone up.

TLC

Drusilla is in a sugar-laden stupor as Deavan drives Jihoon and his family to an Airbnb in Vegas. While we’re at it, let’s talk about the fact that Airbnb is such a scam. Just go to a hotel! It’s the same price and at least you don’t wake up to an infestation of cockroaches in the middle of the night. (Clearly, I’m still bitter about my trip to Sedona last year.)

Drascilla scampers around the house with a sippy cup fully of what I can only assume is a mixture of Monster Energy and cold brew.. It’s obvious that Jihoon’s family is shocked by Deaven and Dracula.

Deavan reveals that she slept with her parents until she was SEVEN YEARS OLD and that’s why Drascilla has to sleep in their bed tonight… Now, I’m not a parent to humans (only cats) but it seems like a Pack ‘n Play would be a good solution here. Instant boundaries. I mean, my cats love theirs.

Jihoon thinks she’s fucking weird and wants to have sex. Honestly, Jihoon is low-key hilarious.

Corey Is Scared of Mosquitos

TLC

Ok, last week I was annoyed with Evelin because I thought she was being too harsh on Corey. This week, I’m switching sides because Corey’s revealed himself to be a true baby. Drusilla is tougher than this guy.

After getting off the bus, a mystic stops Corey, rests his palmy gently on his heart, and asks him why he’s so far from home. My philosophy professor taught me in college that anyone who talks to you without a reason is crazy. Or they’re about to rob you. It’s a phrase that guided me through 18 years of my life in New York City and it’s one that Corey needs to learn.

Also, there are dogs and pigs everywhere in Engbao. I swear to god, there’s a dog with a pig face! And here I find myself asking a familiar question: What would that bacon taste like?

When Corey and Evelin meet up, we see some affection finally. Maybe there is a sliver of love inside Evelin’s cold, cold heart. They spend the night at Evelin’s grandmother’s house and Corey is deathly afraid of mosquito bites. Idk, Corey is turning out to be a little like Paul. I see shades of the same neuroses in him.

Not to brag, but I’m very tapped into the 90 Day internet community. There were some murmurs this week that the TLC producers are tricking us and Corey and Evelin have been married since 2012 and operating the bar since 2016. I believe part of that is true but Evelin has been adamantly anti-marriage so I doubt that they’re actually wed.

Laura Buys Her Husband a Sex Book

TLC

I keep thinking Laura’s name is Angela because she reminds me of another TK link wonderful 90 Day cast member who dated a Nigerian man last season.

Anyway, I wish they would bring back Ludwing. I loved that dude and his weird grilled cheese.

Laura’s husband, Aladin, (he pronounces it “A-laddin” and she pronounces it “A-la-deen,”) waxes his whole entire face in the first segment. I didn’t realize this was a thing that hairy men do. Is it? Hairy readers: please weigh in.

Aladin reveals that Laura has trust issues and they fight a lot. And there’s our storyline, folks!

Back in Florida, Laura heads to her local sex shop to stock up on supplies for her trip to Qatar. She implies that Aladin is not a generous or knowledgeable lover and purchases a book called Sex for Dummies, which is an aggressive name for a sex book. I get that it’s part of the “for Dummies” empire, but I’m sure that’s an off-putting gift to the recipient. Men are fragile in that area.

TLC

We get an interview with Melanie, the sex shop salesperson. The producer asks her if she knows where Qatar is and she says, “I have no idea where Qatar is. I sell dildos for a living.” Well played, Melanie. My favorite quote of the season so far.

Paul Flees Into The Thicket

Once a fleer, always a fleer. As I’ve mentioned before, when the going gets tough, Paul runs for the hills. Last night was no different when he found out he was denied a Brazilian green card. He freaked out and fled to the nearest thicket!

He’s denied his green card because of “terrorism, crime against humanity, war crimes, genocide, and acts of aggression.” I feel like there was supposed to be an “or” in that sentence and Paul read it aloud incorrectly. I know he’s burned down a house, but I don’t think he’s smart enough for genocide.

Also, I love that Paul just assumes he will get a green card in Brazil, despite his criminal history. Typical entitled white man shit. Brazil won’t take him!

One more thing: TLC: WHY DID YOU ALLOW PAUL ON THIS SHOW??? He should be in jail. You must give ZERO SHITS about the safety of Karine and her family, given his criminal record.

Unfortunately, there were no Jenny and Sumit segments this week, which made me sad. I did see that Family Chantel is getting their own show called, creatively, “The Family Chantel.” I suspect that will be crazy but pretty heavily scripted. Will I watch? Hard to say. I already have so many shows on my roster.

Have a great little holiday weekend celebrating America’s independence (from Paul and Corey). Byeeeee!

Published at Wed, 03 Jul 2019 14:00:00 +0000