Reason Why I’m Screaming At My TV: A 90 Day Fiancé Recap

You’re confused and I’m sorry. It was brought to my attention this week that newcomers to the 90 Day world may be unsure of just where to begin. I feel guilty, apologize, and can assure you that this WILL keep me up at night.

It’s understandable: TLC is pushing 90 Day franchises down our throats so hard that we’re practically gagging. And I don’t mean in a good way.

Here are all of the iterations that have aired.

• 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way – Airing now – If you’re new, START HERE! I can’t emphasize it enough. These are pure little virgin couples with squeaky clean slates. I have no reason to hate any of them yet. Well, except Paul, who’s been multiple seasons before and is an idiot.
• 90 Day Fiancé: Happily Ever After? – Airing now – This franchise follows couples after they’ve gotten married. It’s usually boring, unless the couple is toxic, and then you feel gross for watching. I’m not following because I’ve reached a saturation point with Colt, Larissa, and the rest of the cast members.
• 90 Day Fiancé: Pillow Talk – Airing Now – I saw a commercial for this new series while I was lasering my face (I DIY everything). It’s basically like The People’s Couch (the ill-fated Bravo show) but with random 90 Day Fiancé cast members. It looks dumb, but that’s never stopped me in the past, and it shouldn’t stop you, either.
• 90 Days To Wed – Not currently airing – The show that started it all. The concept is simple: foreigners arrive in America to meet their betrothed and have 90 days to get married.
• 90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days – Not currently airing – This series follows couples as they obtain their visas before coming to America to meet their betrothed. About a year ago, there was a pretty explosive Before the 90 Days cast, many of whom violated their NDAs and spilled the tea on Instagram. If I learned anything from that time in my life, it’s that we must have a fourth wall between reality TV cast members and the world at large. And also that I’ll sacrifice my last brain cells for a two-hour podcast that recaps a two-hour reality show. Maybe it’s time to reevaluate my life choices. Eh.
• 90 Day Fiancé: What Now? – Not currently airing- These are one-off specials about couples who’ve previously appeared on the show. They’re… fine.

If we’ve learned anything from Dov Charney and American Apparel, it’s that rapid expansion makes people lose interest. At one point in the early aughts, New Yorkers were clamoring for gold lame leggings. Five years later, there was an American Apparel on every corner, Dov Charney was an accused rapist, and his company went under. TLC: Don’t be Dov Charney!

To clarify, I’m ONLY following 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way right now. It airs on Monday nights at 9pm and it’s beautiful. Speaking of which, another great episode this week.

Hello Daddy

TLC

Tiffany and Daniel arrive in South Africa, where Ronald’s mom meets them at the airport. Ronald’s in rehab, or a “wellness center” as they refer to it. Ronald’s mom gives Daniel a stuffed toy shark, which is appropriate because this family is getting thrown to the sharks.

The next day, they drive to the wellness center to pick up Ronald. Daniel continues to make my heart melt. As they pass a row of cows, he says, “Africa is so random,” which somehow very insightful.

Apparently, Ronald has been in rehab for six months, which is a LONG TIME. Most people get 90 days. Only the real baddies get six months. Ronald and Tiffany talk to a counselor while Daniel chases chickens. I am skeptical.

He’s Alone in Ecuador

TLC

Corey and Evelin are heartbreaking to watch. She’s fleecing him and ya hate to see it! This Dummy quit his job, sold his car, and wants reassurance from his family that spending $40K on an Ecuadorian woman who hates him was a good idea. Guess what: it wasn’t!

He says, “I have this feeling inside me telling me that it’s the worst thing I can be doing.” MAYBE YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO THAT! I truly can’t believe how stupid people are sometimes.

A tear wells in his eye as he says goodbye to his small cabin on the family compound. (To paint a picture: the decor is linoleum flooring, blue curtains, and dark wood paneling.) Coming off the plane in Ecuador, we see truly heartbreaking shots as he exits into the arms of… no one. Evelin didn’t bother to meet him at the airport. Listen, I know that going to the airport is literally one of the most annoying things you can do for someone (second only to helping them move), but come on, lady. He moved to your country.

Now I Mapquested (does that term make me old? such a great verb) the distance between Evelin’s home in Engabao, Ecuador to the airport in Ecuador. It’s 116km, which is about a two-hour drive. Side note: do you think Americans aren’t smart enough for the metric system and that’s why we don’t use it?

Here’s another reason I’m shouting at my television. She doesn’t pick him up because she thinks he’s a wuss who’s too scared to take a bus ride by himself, so she’s trying to force him to toughen up. Guess what: he is a wuss! And guess what else: that’s totally fine!!! Ladies, we have to get rid of the expectation that our men need to be strong and tough all the time because it prevents them from being vulnerable. We want more of their vulnerability so that we can control them. jkjk. Now, obviously you don’t want a sheltered idiot who’s so scared of everything that he buys a bullet-proof diaper bag, but you have to create a safe space for men to emote.

Not Sari

TLC

Jenny and Sumit look so happy in their testimonial, both grinning from ear to ear. Jenny says they got to be together all night and both woke up smiling, which means they totally FUCKED. Good job, guys! You’re awesome.

Then, they go sari shopping. Sumit’s wants Jenny to assimilate to Indian life, but idk you can put a sari on her but she’s still going to be a blonde-haired white lady dating an Indian man 30 years her junior. Sorry not sorry.

In the sari shop, we see an unsavory side of Sumit. He’s very opinionated about what she should buy. No me gusta and no Jenny gusta. I would like to give to give Sumit the benefit of the doubt, however, because it kind of seemed like this was invented by the producers to cause drama. I don’t trust these fucking producers.

The Little Hellion

TLC

It’s a special week because TLC has given us a new couple! Jihoon & Deaven. He’s in South Korea, she’s in Salt Lake City, Utah… Perfect. Personally, I’m VERY excited!

Jihoon is a used phone salesman who lives with his parents and dog named Bbakki. I like that. I respect the use of excessive consonants. Deavan lives with her parents and daughter named… wait for it… Drusilla. UM, WHAT?!! I had to turn on the closed captions and rewind my DVR three times to fully absorb that insane group of letters. Drusilla is no Bbakki.

Drusilla is also, apparently, a hellion. And who can blame her?! She has a villain’s name!

Deavan has no idea how to cut a cucumber, which is disturbing because that’s one of the easiest pieces of produce to prepare. Just make vertical slices!

Deavan got pregnant the first night she and Jihoon were together. Oopsie. Now they’re obligated to get married and neither Jihoon nor his family seem excited about it. Say it with me: and there’s our storyline, folks!

The trailer for next week’s episode shows that Little Hellion (Drusilla’s name now) riding the baggage carousel, This Idiot running into the woods (again), and Evelin telling to Corey to go home. This series is fucking gold.

Published at Fri, 28 Jun 2019 16:43:44 +0000