Vermont Town Elects Goat As Mayor, Immediately Craps On Stage

The political climate has been rough these past few years. It’s hard to determine who to trust, who has your best interests at heart, and it seems like almost everyone is at the center of some new scandal — it’s pretty bleat, erm, I mean bleak. But among all this uncertainty, at least we have Fair Haven, Vermont, a town that just elected perhaps the most promising young up-and-comer in the political sphere.

Her name is Lincoln (clearly destined to hold some kind of office) and she’s only 3 years old, but don’t let her age cast any doubt on her abilities — she’s the GOAT.

Literally. She is a literal goat.

The Rutland Herald

Gaze into the rectangular pupils of Fair Haven’s fearless leader

She won the election with a whopping 13 votes, beating a Boston terrier named Sammie Viger narrowly by 2 votes. Which, good — I don’t trust animals with last names.

During her swearing in ceremony on Tuesday she promptly defecated on the stage, and I’m sure many will be quick to judge her for it, and to those people I say: you’re just not ready for a public servant this bold. Lincoln’s decision to poop on the stage during her swearing in ceremony was clearly purposeful. Clearly this was a statement on the current state of politics in this country, which she is going to handle the same way she would attack a patch of grass in a sidewalk crack: swiftly and effectively.

Or she was just excited. Who knows. Either way, Lincoln is the politician we deserve, and people can already see her going places.

Others aren’t so sure. One resident, Jada, age 5, is already critical of the new mayor. “He’s just going to eat everything. He’s just going to stay outside and eat everybody’s shirts.” Harsh words from a concerned citizen, and frankly I’m appalled at this kind of stereotypical view of goats in 2019, but only time will tell if Lincoln has what it takes to lead her town to green pastures.

Published at Tue, 19 Mar 2019 00:31:22 +0000