90 Day Fiancé: When Your Mom Tells The World You Have Diarrhea

Okay, this is the EIGHTEENTH episode in this season and, lawd, I am WEARY. When was the last time you had 18 of anything? Except years and awkwardness in high school. Woof.

This week, I made it my mission to catch up on Before The 90 Days and The Other Way (thanks OCD), and I can confidently say that now it’s time for me to read a book. Except that Shane Dawson’s new YouTube series is coming out soon and my stoned little brain cells are sitting on the velvet La-Z-Boys in my head, just super stoked.

Deavan and Jihoon
Last night, someone asked me who my favorite couple is on The Other Way. And I honestly don’t know. They all have their own tragic flaws. Ask me at the beginning of any season and I’m fighting for them all to find love. Ask me toward the end and I think they should all break up and go back to their homelands. So, the long answer is Deavan and Jihoon. They seem to get along so well. But maybe that’s just because she can’t get mad at him or her blood pressure will spike.

Anyway, Deavan is still giving Jihoon shit about his iPhone hustle. I honestly don’t think it’s a bad scam! Any hustle that involves a corporate giant ain’t that bad. (And I’m the expert, remember.)

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If it hasn’t been clear before now, we should all realize that Jihoon is the biggest man baby there is. Dude, get your life together. You have a baby now and twinning with your kid ain’t a good look.

They go get their marriage certificate and the entire process is very unceremonious and a little sad. Jihoon doesn’t take her concerns seriously and is actually maybe a jerk? He basically tells her to shut up, saying that her worries are silly. Literally, ew. How is this the BEST relationship on the show???? God, it is slim fucking pickins.

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Laura and Aladdin
Laura and Aladdin actually seem like they’re genuinely still in love, which I don’t think we can say about many of the other couples at this point.

Liam is acting like such a child and every time he’s on my television, this Tyra gif flashes before my eyes.

Oy what a mess. He makes excuses for not going to the wedding and, later, Laura reveals that he has diarrhea (cha cha cha). Maybe revealing his gastrointestinal problems on national television is Laura’s passive aggressive way of getting back at him.

She sits on a sofa draped in 50 pounds of gold as guests come and give them cash and then a DJ announces how much each person gives. Listen, I’m an advocate for financial transparency just like the next guy, but this is uncomfortable. Would be cool if he had an airhorn though and was like, “Bewh bewh bewh!” before each one.

Speaking of diarrhea, Liam is being such a little turd. He heads to the hammam with Aladdin wearing his cowboy hat. Yep, this kid’s gotta be straight.

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At the bathhouse, Aladdin tells Liam that they’re considering having a kid and Liam freaks the fuck out. His little feathers are very ruffled and he tells Aladdin that she CANNOT have another kid. That it would be dangerous, etc. MEN, STOP TRYING TO CONTROL WOMEN’S BODIES. GET YOUR HANDS OFF OUR BODIES. How many fucking times do I have to say it? Ugh, at least the President is getting impeached soon.

Corey and Evelin
Surprise! Evelin magically found her wedding ring. She’s being affectionate for once and Corey’s father’s death seems to have brought them closer together. Corey decides to go back to Ecuador and leave his mother by herself in Mill A, Washington. Do you think that all the towns in Washington were once named Mill A, Mill B, Mill C, etc? Like, people ran out of town names by the time they got all the way out there and just named them after the mills. Kinda like the public schools in NYC.

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He has 30 days left on his visa and can’t stay in Ecuador unless they get married, but Evelin has been adamant that she ain’t into that. But maybe she’ll surprise us all and finally let herself be pressured into holy matrimony. I don’t advocate for pressuring women to do anything, unless it’s for my personal entertainment purposes. jkjkjk.

Evelin meets Corey at the airport, thank god. Finally, someone acts right. Their affection is the kind that couples who have been together for long time have. They tolerate each other and occasionally express positive emotion and it’s just their way.

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Sumit and Jenny
Maybe I’m a sucker, but I feel bad for Sumit. He’s been with Jenny for six years and, two and a half years ago, he was forced into an arranged marriage by his parents. But wait… Let’s let this sink in for a sec…

SUMIT HAS BEEN MARRIED FOR TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

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He didn’t tell her because he didn’t want to lose her. This is like Romeo and Juliet and I feel like they might kill themselves soon. (Too much?)

Sumit has been held in his family’s home for several days and he honestly looks like he’s been through hell. Like he’s just coming out of a fight scene in a movie and his hair is still out of place in his eyes have lost their sparkle.

HE DIDN’T HAVE AN END GAME HERE. Lying doesn’t make things magically go away. I do think he loves Jenny but his parents are forcing him to stay married because, from what it seems like, there’s no divorce in India? And also they think Jenny is too old and they are greedy for grandkids. Just itching for em.

We find out this week that having an affair isn’t a crime in India. But apparently his in-laws will make up fake charges that could send him to jail by saying he was drinking and abusing his wife. Well, people don’t believe women in America, so why would they believe them in India? Can’t imagine those charges will have any weight.

You know what? And I know this is fucked up, but in a way, this whole thing is so sweet. He loves her so much and he’s willing to give up everything for her.

Before The 90 Days
So I’m finally caught up on Before the 90 Days (keeping up with this fucking TV show is a full-time job.) And I have a few thoughts.

-Maria complains that Caesar always plays the victim, and, honestly, I can see that. It’s his whole thing. “Feel bad for me, I’m a sad sack. Wah.” And it works! But pity is never a good look. It’s not the image you want to convey to America on national television.

-Darzy and Tom are so fucking awkward. Also, the dynamic between the Silva twins is DARK. Here’s something I’ve always wondered about them. They aren’t exactly, um, natural girls. And, yet, I can’t tell them apart at all. Do they get the exact same Botox, hair extensions, and work done? Or What?

-Ben and his marked up hymnal is too easy to make fun of.

-I don’t like this Angela/Michael dynamic at all. It’s very uncomfortable because he’s a POC and she’s a big Southern white lady bossing him around. It’s very uncomfortable.

-Zied is a homophobic freeloader please just stop.

-What is Avery’s weird fucking brown wedding cape? Are we in the Wizarding World or what?

-Tim and Jennifer are turning out to be adorable! Aww, super cute seeing their first kiss! And the triumphant music?! Ugh, let’s end on that note. I’ll see ya next week, fam!

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Published at Wed, 25 Sep 2019 21:58:25 +0000