90 Day Fiancé: There’s So Much Friggin’ Content

Hello, everyone! I’m back from my family vacation and HOO BOY, do I need to decompress. I’ll be stuffing my brain with more reality tv over the weekend to avoid my feelings and anxiety. Can’t wait to catch up on The Housewives!

Before I get to The Other Way, I do have a few thoughts as well as a drama report on Before The 90 Days. First of all, Darcey’s man, Tom, is a fraud who was caught stealing other people’s pictures and reposting them on Instagram. Like, he’d steal the photo from someone else’s yacht post and say, “Amazing day at sea!” Starcasm has coverage. (Always a reputable source.)

The TRUTH of the matter is that he rented an AirBNB for Darzy because he LIVES WITH HIS MOM. Wow, wow, wow. Who’s the smarmy man with the permed hair now? It’s me. I want a perm.

Also, there was some talk about Cesar being an actor and joining the cast so he could get footage for his reel. To that I say, as actors, we do a lot of dumb shit. I once performed in a Potbelly Sandwich Shop. But we should probably just leave Cesar alone to do his thing because, well, it’s a big mood and I don’t think it’s right to laugh at him.

Reddit/Instagram

I had never seen this before, but it is apparently very popular on Reddit already, Darcey and her twin sister, Stacey, produced a reality TV pilot about their lives in 2010. Seeing that gives me a complete and utterly different perspective on who Darzy is as a character and the depth she brings to her television persona. That is, I feel bad for her.

Why does Zied have the greasiest hair I’ve ever seen? This week’s storyline about his criticism of Rebecca’s wardrobe is incredibly dark and I’m no longer a champion of their love.

I will not be commenting on any other Before the 90 Day cast members as some have taken it upon themselves to email me and express their opinions on my artistry. No thanks. The fourth wall exists for a reason.

And on to 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way. It was another snoozer this week, folks. I need to see Druscilla eating bacon with her feet, Angela attempting to defy the science of procreation, Pole fleeing into the woods. That’s the kind of action I’ve come to expect from 90 Day Fiancé and without it, well, I’m still going to watch, but I’m not going to be happy. Carry on.

Also, I thought I was all caught up but I checked reddit and people are posting pics of Avery’s mom looking like E.T. there is too much content to keep up with. My feet are tired.

Corey And Evelin

TLC

The the mud-soaked pig in the opening shot represents their tarnished relationship. Corey asking Evelin if she’s calmed down from the night before just pushes my rage button. Ding ding ding! The rage meter is on full force, like that thing you hit at the carnival or like a cartoon cat getting angry.

Somehow they figure it out. TLC wants us to believe that they’re suddenly in love and heading for greatness. If that’s true, then I’m a Republican.

Karine and Paul

90 Day Fiance News/Instagram

Karine teases us with divorce yet again, but we know from social media that they are, in fact, together, with their inexplicably-named son, Pierre, living in the United States. Well, when a reality show is probably your primary source of income, you do things you wouldn’t otherwise do. Just look at Teen Mom.

Ok, I started writing this on the plane back to California. I was sitting in the aisle seat, and the man next to me in the middle seat was the rudest Frenchman I’ve ever encountered who refused to share the armrest with me. Here’s what I wrote during that particular moment of rage:

Of all the fucking things to get angry about. Of all the justified anger in my life: Donald Trump, the border, abortion, fires, homelessness, ELBOW SPREADING?!? This is new and it ain’t worth my damn time and yet… Next to me on this plane sits a Frenchman who has refused to share the armrest with me for the past five hours. He won’t move forward and tapped me on the shoulder every time my elbow hits the remote to his tv. I’ve asked him to please place his elbow in front of the tv remote and he pretended not to know what I meant. Then, when my elbow changed his channel for the third time, he told me that I was being, “Really fucking annoying.” Wow, I guess he does understand the language.

I haven’t been this enraged in months. Nothing makes me more infuriated than manspreading. I haven’t been this mad since I took the subway in NYC and men didn’t account for my space and constantly bumped into me, reached their arms over my head, their armpits in my face, to grab the subway poles at rush hour. I swear this subway smallness and its accompanying anxiety was a big reason I left New York. So if a man is reading this, PLEASE SHARE YOUR FUCKING ARM RESTS and don’t tell a random stranger she’s fucking annoying.

Phew. Picking this back up at home, on the most comfortable couch in the world, with a cat nestled on my neck. California is good.

Karine has abandoned Paul in Tongue In Cheeks to go to Manaus and allegedly file for divorce. I wonder if he’s wearing a camouflage shirt on the boat because he’s trying to hide. You know the feeling: sometimes you just don’t want to be seen.

I also wonder if Pole happened to start those terrible wildfires in the Amazon. This is why they didn’t want to let that shitty little arsonist into their country!

Somehow Pole hunts Karine down while she’s casually enjoying an acai bowl and she takes him back.

Even though it’s dumb to take him back, I love that she stands her ground and tells him to shut up. Then he, as usual, works himself into a little tizzy. GIRL! Cut your losses and give that baby up for adoption already. End the misery. (I know that didn’t happen because of Instagram, but please just let me live for one second.)

Laura and Aladdin

TLC

Laura has somehow been in Qatar for a few months now. Last time we saw her, she’d only been there for a couple of days. Time is a flat circle so who knows.

She Skypes with Liam and he decides to go to the wedding! Oh my god. That did so much for my emotional well-being that I should cancel my therapy appointment in the morning.

Listen, I know this is WAAAAAAY old news and completely irrelevant to whatever we’re talking about, but when the episode’s boring I take some liberties. I will NEVER get sick of fast forwarding through the commercials. It makes me feel like a fucking king. As someone who grew up before DVR was invented and spent most of her childhood plagued by the scourge of commercials, fast-forwarding through them delightfully will never get old.

Oh, maybe you’re wondering how it turned out with the French misogynist on the plane. We had an elbow standoff for the rest of the flight and I wrote a strongly-worded essay on the origins of my misandry that I will file in my rage brochure.

The news about Aladin’s sister is so, so sad. When he mentions a sad house, I related so hard. I’ve lived in a sad house!

Aladdin is going to want a baby. I can see it now. Laura and Angela are more similar than they may seem.

When Angela pronounces it PROcess instead of PRAWcess, I know that she’s Canadian after all…. You know it’s a slow week when I’m analyzing pronunciation.

Tiffany and Ronald

TLC

She preg! Damn, they’ve been married for six weeks and that didn’t take long at all. Tiffany’s grandmother is adorable. Tiffany’s mom reacts to the news as though Tiffany is a methy teen and not a married woman who’s already the mother of one little angel.

In the same respect, I get it. They’re broke. I’m still having flashbacks of the apartments they toured. That was traumatic for me.

Her sassy, no-nonsense mom does NOT want Tiffany to give birth in South Africa. I like an opinionated mother. On television, that is.

Then Daniel hears the news and it warms my heart so much that I almost start liking men again. Definitely cancelling my therapy appointment. How do sweet little boys turn into rude men? Like, I bet Pole was even a cute little kid at one point.

Daniel reacts as though he’s Charlie and he’s just found the golden ticket to go to Willy Wonka’s factory. It’s so sweet. (Get it. Sweet… I’ll see myself out.)

Oh goodness, this doctor is not someone I would want rooting around in my vagina. We get a shot of him from behind and it looks like he has an open wound on his elbow. TIFFANY, GET BACK TO THE U.S. IMMEDIATELY. Ok, yes, this is a beautiful scene despite this trollish doctor who possibly lives under a bridge with Druscilla and her minions.

Deavan and Jihoon

Us Weekly

Deavan is moving to Korea and my mind is still mind boggled by the financials. They don’t add up! Druscilla isn’t going with her yet and I heard her visa was denied because authorities were worried she was part beast. Korea doesn’t allow demons.

Her dad seems so sweet! Devan’s a good, hard-working person from a decent family! It only took me 14 weeks to realize that.

My DVR cut out after this scene, but all of these segments seem several weeks later than the previous episodes, so that must be a production thing. What I’m wondering is HOW LONG IS THIS SEASON? Not that I’m complaining, but wow, I feel like I’ve been here since before I started menstruating. I have cramps. See ya next week.

Published at Thu, 29 Aug 2019 17:29:12 +0000