90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way Is Truly Bananas

Reality TV fans: if you aren’t watching 90 Day Fiancé, then you’re wasting your time. Maybe you’ve never dabbled in the TLC network’s offerings. I totally get that. With its Hoarders and 600 Pound franchises, it may seem… uncouth.

Maybe you’ve been loyal Bravo because the people fighting on that network seem rich and their interactions somehow feel… less trashy. If we are the company we keep, then watching the repetitive plotlines on the Housewives may be a better reflection of who you are as a person.

But it’s time to stop placing a value judgment on your cultural preferences and get your little garbage ass over to TLC. I implore you to give the network a chance. You simply must.

Once you’ve come to terms with allowing yourself to walk among the plebs, PLEASE for the LOVE of god, do yourself a favor and begin with 90 Day Fiancé. The plot points on this show are so remarkable that Andy Cohen should be ashamed.

You may be unfamiliar with the franchise because Bravo has tantalized you with endless episodes of Housewives from multiple geographic locations. You’ve had no choice but to acquiesce to the pointless storylines about dogs and the mediocre underwear pranks that drag on throughout entire seasons! I don’t begrudge you that.

But over on TLC, we have something monumental going on. We have real meat. There’s a woman from Florida who works at Starbucks and has given her life savings to a Moroccan boyfriend who’s cheated on her. There’s another woman in Ohio whose Tunisian husband refused to kiss her at their wedding ceremony. We have a man from Kentucky who’s forcing a Thai woman to live in a fire hall! (Don’t worry: she’s fine.)

Those are just a handful of tales from the enfianced!

Yes, it would be reductive to say that 90 Day Fiancé is a show about mail-order brides. But would it be accurate? I mean. Also, yes. As a progressive feminist do I find the term “mail-order bride” problematic? Of course. But here we are.

On the latest (ninth, I believe) season of 90 Day Fiancé, Americans relocate to foreign countries and cohabitate with people they’ve never met in person. Everyone is utterly bonkers which makes them complex and wonderful television characters. Man, I love television!

This iteration of the franchise is cleverly titled 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way.

Here are the most insane reasons for you to dip your toe in TLC’s foreign waters.

Jenny’s Moving To India

TLC

Jenny’s in her 60s and lives in Palm Springs. She’s uprooting her entire life to move to India and live with her boyfriend, Sumit, who works at a call center and initially catfished Jenny using the name Michael Jones. THAT IS CRAZY. When you’re in your 60s, you should be touring the country in an RV that gets horrible gas mileage while bickering with your spouse about dinner options. Moving to a foreign country cohabitate with someone 30 years your junior is just truly unwise. I’m not saying that women of a certain age are impossible to love. God no. If that were the case, then I’d be doomed. I am, however, saying that the whole thing is freakin’ weird.

Tiffany Didn’t Know She Was Pregnant

TLC

TLC has done the remarkable favor of combining two unbelievable plot points into one single character arc for us. So generous.

Tiffany has an eight-year-old named Daniel. She had no idea that he was entering this harsh, cruel world until the moment he burst forth from her teenage loins. I’mmmm sorry, but that’s utterly bonkers. Me, I take a pregnancy test every any time I have a stomach cramp. Usually just gas.

Not only did she have a surprise baby, but Tiffany is also dating a criminal. In South Africa. I don’t mean to sound judgmental, but when searching for a permanent mate, criminals should be off the table. I do realize that the criminal justice system is inherently flawed, but this man is from South Africa. They aren’t as willy nilly with the lockups over there.

This Simple Mormon Is Getting Fleeced

Corey is a nice Mormon man with a trusting heart. That’s his problem! Trust leads to heartbreak and eventual poverty.

We meet him in a clothing store where his Ecuadorian fiancé buys $780 worth of mid-level denim for her entire family using Corey’s credit card. Then we learn that he’s already GIVEN EVELIN $40,000! Corey: you’re an idiot. You’ve let this cunning con woman fleece you bone dry.

I should also note that Corey lives on a plot of land that he refers to as a compound (cult, much?) with his entire Mormon family. If you aren’t sold on this plot point alone, then I don’t know what to say. Relax and allow yourself to play in the trash heap.

This Idiot Carries A Lock of His Mother’s Hair At All Times

TLC

Paul is an idiot who is trash. I realize that may sound harsh, however, I’ve drawn this conclusion after watching him over the course of three seasons, so it isn’t unsubstantiated.

I remember the moment I began to hate him. It was two seasons ago in Brazil. He and his wife Karine were on the street, being filmed when, suddenly, men with machetes approached and tried to mug them. PAUL FLED INTO THE WOODS! He left Karine for dead! She was nearly consumed by wolves!

I’m not saying that men should be required to chase the bad guys. By no means. That’s extremely gendered and I refuse to imply that men must be physically strong. I do, however, need a partner who won’t abandon me in the Brazilian jungle. At the very least.

Also, This Idiot (his name now) is a CONVICTED FELON who spent time in jail for arson. (I believe he burned down his ex-wife’s house for the insurance money and then she filed a restraining order against him. That might be inaccurate. I did a light google, but facts are hard.) Again, criminal record = dealbreaker. (And, um TLC, does a background check mean anything to you?)

After all this, you may be saying to yourself, “Wow, these people sound like actual, putrid trash that belongs in a landfill. I simply musn’t indulge!” Listen, you’re right. But the purpose of television is to entertain and 90 Day Fiancé will never fall short of that. Just let yourself enjoy the schadenfreude.

Published at Wed, 12 Jun 2019 18:50:17 +0000