90 Day Fiancé: Tell Us The Secrets!

Helllloooooo, everyone! I’m back in the office after a luxurious Labor Day weekend spent binging Jeffree Star videos and eating chips, salsa, and creamsicles. Call it a “happy place,” if you must, but I just call it home.

I watched The Other Way and Before the 90 Days and I have some thoughts.

The Other Way
Jihoon Has Failed Us

TLC

Deavan takes a 24-hour plane ride to South Korea wearing the cutest glasses ever. Girl, are those Zenni?

Despite all the shit I talk about Druscila, I want this family to thrive. That said, Jihoon fucked up. Deavan told him to get a job and a house before she schlepped to Korea and he did neither. He did, however, get a hair cut and color. Great highlights.

Jihoon and Deavan just seem like they aren’t communicating well. He didn’t even know she was bringing a car seat! And that’s a small thing. The job and apartment are huge things. I would be FURIOUS if I were Deavan. Hers is a small quiet anger, which is terrifying.

Okay, this is a shitty thing to make fun of but I simply must. When Jihoon says, “My fault,” it sounds like he’s saying, “My fart,” and I laugh and laugh.

If I ever have a kid, there MUST be an equal partnership in all aspects of the car. E.g. my partner has to wake up in the middle of the night to change diapers and I will NOT be the only one cleaning the Diaper Genie.

Aww, Jihoon’s parents are so cute when they meet the baby. I want more of them! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: give me the Family Jihoon spinoff, TLC!

Jihoon’s been keeping a secret about his money management that we’re going to find out about next week. It can’t be Ronald-level money mismanagement…. Or can it? Is Jihoon pawning refrigerators??? But then, I can’t imagine him strapping a fridge to his frail little back and toting it to the pawnshop downtown. Probably just some dark web shit.

We Stan Ronald & Tiffany’s Healthy Communication

TLC

Something about this math doesn’t add up. They’ve been married for a month and a half and yet she’s told people she’s pregnant already. You aren’t supposed to announce your pregnancy until 12 weeks, so hmmm, I want receipts.

We have a scary angry moment with Ronald in the car. Despite that, though, I really like how they communicate. She doesn’t get mad when he’s mad and vice versa. They each allow the other to have their feelings without reacting harshly. Listen, I’m no Frasier Crane or anything, but that sounds healthy!

Surprise, Surprise: Pole Wants To Flee

TLC

Pole’s knee-high socks/hiking boots/cargo shorts/polo shirt wardrobe makes him look like a desert janitor.

He FaceTimes with his mom, who tells him not to come home because she doesn’t want to deal with him either. Funny that the second his permanent residency gets approved and he’s able to get a job, he tries to flee. Pole loves a fleeing moment, and a royal blue polo.

Karine’s water breaks and she tells him to leave the hospital but the TLC camera crew is allowed to stay, which strikes me as odd, because there must be some kind of Brazilian HIPAA law that prevents filming in hospitals… but maybe not. I’m not Brazil. I don’t know.

It’s sad that she makes him leave and he won’t be there for the birth, but I get it. He’s too immature not to make it about his feelings. He’s truly such a drama queen.

Also, and this is a very dark thing to say, but it’s a fear that plagues me every week. I pick on Paul so much and I sometimes worry that America’s next active shooter may seek out our offices. He’s definitely the type… Thank god for security guards.

Corey and Evelin

TLC

Oh no! Corey’s dad passed away very suddenly. I have nothing snarky to say because this is truly horrible and I can relate.

It’s weird that Evelin can’t go back to the States with him. They say it’s because she doesn’t have a visa, but can’t she just enter as a tourist?

It’s so hot in L.A. that I bought a loaf of bread, got it home from the grocery store and it was melted. We’ve got weird bread.

Sumit Maybe Has Another Family?

TLC

Over dinner, Jenny’s daughter, Christine, and her wife, Jen, tell Sumit that he just needs to come out to his family already. I don’t know…. What’s his end game here? He’s just going to lie and cut off his family for the rest of his life? He says that he would ultimately choose his family over Jenny and I don’t love that, to be honest.

Sumit has a big secret to reveal next week and I think he’s probably already married or his family is trying to set him up on an arranged marriage, or maybe he stole Jenny’s money. Could be anything!

Lots of secrets happening next week, which is so thrilling! I haven’t kept a secret in years, so I’m living vicariously through these people’s inadvisable life choices.

Before The 90 Days

Zied’s anger is terrifying and Rebecca needs to take her private eye ass back to the U.S. immediately.

The music choice in the Darzy/Tom cricket scene is epic. It’s like circus music and I appreciate the editor’s comedic taste. Sometimes I wish Darzy would just suck it up and admit that she’s been catfished. This guy is literally not a catch.

The fact that Avery expected Omar to plan the wedding just shows how young she is. No adult woman in her right mind would ever trust a straight male to do such a thing. Also, Avery’s mother helping to make the wedding happen is everything. I love that she knows that it’s just best to support her. Strong parenting!

If there’s no power or water in Syria, Omar, you should definitely not let her move there and voluntarily put her in danger. If you love someone, you don’t put them in harm’s way. Unless it’s to ride a roller coaster or something.

We need to stop body-shaming Tim. The 90 Day community on Reddit keeps incessantly mocking his grooming habits, which is embarrassing. Men should be able to moisturize in peace! Honestly, though. Wouldn’t you rather have a guy who looks well-rested than some old hag?

Caesar’s hotel is right on the beach in Cancun and that must be frauded because acrylics aren’t that expensive. Shit looks like the Ritz Carlton and my man out here buying tons of candy panties! Doesn’t add up. I think he knows that we know that it can’t be real. I’m hoping that’s the case, anyway. Also, he has the luggage of an old person who never travels.

Michael spends $400/month on his cell phone and quit his job so Angela can talk to him all day. Hmmm. This doesn’t sound like the best financial decision. Also, what the fuck do you talk about? Like, I can’t stand to be on the phone for more than 20 minutes with literally anyone. Even ten is usually too many. Give me text messages or give me death.

I can’t believe that Akinyi’s family has never met a white person before. What a different reality. When Benjamin shows up without a gift and the rest of the family is disappointed, I remember that people in the rest of the world lead very different, patriarchal lives in which they expect the men to provide and the women to take care of the kids. Like, is an equal partnership… wrong? What if these other countries actually have the right idea and the diapering should be my destiny?!?!?!?!?!?!

Man, this episode of Before the 90 Days renewed my love of this show. It is ART!!!!!!!!!

Published at Tue, 03 Sep 2019 23:57:43 +0000