T. Rexes Really Were Just Giant Chickens And I’m Mad About It

Dinosaurs rule.

I don’t care what you were into as a kid whether it was Barbies or race cars or Lego, if you weren’t at least a little bit into dinosaurs I definitely wouldn’t have gotten along with you on the playground and I probably wouldn’t like you as an adult either. Dinosaurs rule so hard, they’ve inundated the entertainment industry since, well, the dawn of time. Specifically, the most badass dinosaur of them all, the Tyrannosaurus rex. With the exception of Little Foot from the most heartbreaking movie ever, The Land Before Time, T. rex is the centre of attention in basically every movie involving dinosaurs.

I know you’re all probably going, “NUH UH, JURASSIC PARK IS ABOUT THE RAPTORS,” to which I say ok chill out, first of all. And secondly yeah, sure, the raptors have more screen time and more human deaths on the scoreboard, but if you tell me that the T. rex didn’t have the most iconic scenes in the movie then you’re out of your fucking mind.

Like I can HEAR this gif.

And there are countless other examples!

Sure, they’re not all winners, but you get my point. And regardless of how great or deeply disturbing each fictional T. rex is, they all generally look the same, right? They’re all square-headed, tiny-armed, scaly badass looking mofo’s.

Keyword here: scaly.

So it’s not news that scientists are pretty certain most dinosaurs had feathers. It was a weird pill to swallow, but I’ve grown to dig the idea of slightly feathered dinosaurs. They’re like cool, iridescent accents on already cool animals, y’know? I’m into it.

EXCEPT ON T. REXES, APPARENTLY.

The American Museum of Natural History released a few digital renderings of what they believe the mighty T. rex looked like at various stages of life, and I’m so mad.

Alright, let’s start with the hatchlings.

(Chicks? Puppies? What do you even call baby dinosaurs, science pls respond)

American Museum of Natural History

Ok so this is a pretty disappointing start. This is essentially a large quail that needs dental work. Maybe I’m being too harsh, I don’t know, I guess I just want T. rexes* to bust out of their shells already badass. But I get that that’s an unrealistic expectation. That’s fair. We’ll give baby rex a pass.

It gets better, and then it gets so much worse.

American Museum of Natural History

Adolescent T. rexes look pretty cool honestly, it took me a few minutes but now I can appreciate it. This checks off a lot of boxes for me.

✓ Proportionate feather distribution (nice coat)
✓ Massive head
✓ Little bitch-ass arms
✓ Still looks like it’s fully capable of fucking you up
✓ Cool stripy tail (really feeling this pattern to be honest)

Overall a very high quality T. rex rendering that I am on board with. So you’d think it would get better the bigger it gets, right? That’s how it works in Pokémon and that’s how real life animals today work, like lions, the older they get the cooler they look.

This is not the case.

American Museum of Natural History

LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT THIS SHIT. WHAT IS THAT LITTLE TUFT OF HAIR.

WHAT IS THAAAAAAT.

That is the saddest head of feathers I have literally ever seen on any animal in my life. Like look at that T. rex and tell me it doesn’t look exactly like Rod Stewart. How could this happen. Why would evolution do the KING OF THE DINOSAURS so dirty like this? Why even have feathers at all if that’s what you’re destined to become?? What purpose do they serve besides making the T. rex severely depressed and self conscious later in life?? I need answers.

They really ARE just giant chickens.

God I hate it.

Usually I’m all for science but honestly I really wish paleontologists would have just kept this to themselves. Please, for the future, lie to me if it means protecting my idea of dinosaurs.

* I googled what the proper plural form of T. rex is because “T. rex’s” obviously wasn’t it but “T. rexes” didn’t look right either so I thought maybe it’s “Tyrannosauruses rex” yknow, like passersby, but apparently because it’s a proper scientific name, T. rex doesn’t have a plural form but as we’ve decided today, science is dumb so I referred to them as “T. rexes” throughout the article and no one can stop me.

Published at Thu, 14 Mar 2019 00:19:11 +0000