Reasons 90 Day Fiancé Is Driving Me Crazy

Here’s the story. I’m a Gemini so I watch TV in a bipolar way. l watch something intense and then something suuuuper trashy. That said, I just finished the first episode of the new season of Succession and thank god 90 Day is here to numb any and every twinge of emotion. Succession makes me want to be a better man. 90 Day just makes me want to stab.

We’re doing Before The 90 Days again this week and tbh, I didn’t even watch The Other Way last week and I’M SORRY. I feel like I’ve betrayed everyone.

Avery Is A Bratty Teen

Smize, but make it sexy and Muslim.

Here’s the thing about Avery: she’s a child. She’s 19 and she’s doing totally normal kid things like gymnastics, converting to Islam, and getting engaged to a guy in Syria.

We’ve seen this before, folks. Most notably with Nicole and Azan. A girl who forces a relationship to work so she can prove her mother wrong, even though she’s making a horrible mistake. Oh, who am I kidding? If online dating had been a thing back in the day, I’d be divorced from a Tunisian man by now.

Modesty is a scam. I hate this purity stuff and I think it’s complete and utter BS used to manipulate women into being submissive to men. In fact, my podcast, ScamWow, has a great episode about it. (I never miss an opportunity for a plug!)

Later, Avery loses her phone and wants to head to Lebanon without it because she doesn’t think she’ll really need one there anyway. Yeah, who needs a phone in a foreign country where you only know one person and don’t speak the language and also maybe there’s war? Dummy.

But also, her mom is accompanying her on this insane goosechase to the Middle East. That’s a good mom, right there, folks! And if motherhood is all goosechases to war zones, then count me out!

Caesar Shouldn’t Buy A Ring

A man with an actual red neck!

I’m so glad we found out last week that this is all fake. Otherwise, this guy would be sad and almost unbearable to watch.

Also, can I say that I love the lady at the ring store?! She is so non-judgemental and lovely, even when he says he’s on a $200 budget. She talks to him like a compassionate preschool teacher talking to a slow child. She really holds space for his dumb plans.

Side note: did anyone else notice that his friend’s neck was literally red? I’ve heard of rednecks before, but an actual red neck? Now that’s ridiculous.

Angela Is The MOST

This woman needs someone to “tote” her baby.

Angela was on 90 Day Fiancé last fall. (Wow, I guess it’s been a year already. I have such a rich and fulfilling life that the passing of time is marked by seasons of 90 Day Fiance.) She’s from Georgia, a hospice nurse, and a grandmother of six. She’s engaged to Michael, who is 20 years her junior and lives in Nigeria.

Angela is a grownup version of Honey Boo Boo. She’s 53 with the skin of an ancient, fossilized crocodile. Don’t smoke, people!

The thing about Angela is that she knows how to create a storyline and a sound bite. She takes the viewer’s needs into account. When she’s talking about Michael’s Instagram, she says, “I think he loves the Instagram more than he loves me,” which is the perfect sound bite!

Then, when she looks at wedding venues, she’s super aggressive with DJ Doug, the venue proprietor who is also maybe a DJ (judging by his name), because she knows that, as an audience, we need that. We need her to deliver. She caters to us! She knows how to bully people in a way that’s optimized for reality TV but that no one really acts like in real life.

Then we meet her daughter, Skyla. We haven’t been introduced to Skyla before because, last season, it was clear that her other daughter, Scottie, was her favorite. However, Scottie’s in jail now for child molestation, so I guess Skyla’s the next best thing.

Angela asks Skyla to to help her have a kid with Michael. And she refers to creating human life as “toting it.” She says, “I can tote it. I just need your egg.” Spoken like a true aristocrat. Thank you, Angela Deem.

Zied Has Bad Style

I forgot to get a screenshot of Zied’s t-shirt, so here’s Rebecca lingerie shopping.

We finally get to see Zied in the flesh and just, wow. He is… something. He doesn’t speak much English and, when he does get a sentence out, it sounds as though there are big ol’ marbles in his mouth. And, here’s the thing with veneers. Like lip injections, people can always tell. Always.

Now, you know that I don’t like to comment on the way people look but I can’t help myself! Zied has horrible style. It’s as though he’s stuck in a Death Cab for Cutie time machine but, also, he’s cold. He flatirons his hair (I’m speculating) and wears skinny jeans and a tight red cardigan with a collar to go to a hookah bar. Listen, I’m not the authority on cardigans, heavens no. I’m not the Cardigan Police or anything, but they should never have any type of collar or neck flair. Too much.

When he picks up Rebecca from the airport, for some reason he wears a t-shirt with her face on it. He thinks it will be a fun surprise but it’s really just awkward for everyone, especially because she doesn’t really look like the picture on his shirt. That’s one thing I will say about Rebecca, though: she knows her way around Photoshop. That program ain’t easy!

But also, they’re so happy to see each other and it makes me think they might actually be in love! I hope so!!! I want love to happen! I’m rooting for love!

Then we have a weird moment where he tricks her into renting a car for the three weeks she’s in Tunisia. She brushes it off, but it’s shady and I’m skeptical! I got your back, girl!

Darzy Isn’t Great For Women

I think you know what I mean.

Sex and the City has bred this type of woman who drinks cosmos in the Meatpacking District, wears pointed-toe heels, and tailors her life around the men in it. I hate that.

Also, two hours is too long for an episode. I’m losing steam. American Apparel and gold lamé leggings, TLC. I need a tight little episodes!

I can’t believe Darzy and Jesse were together for two years. Fuck that guy.

Darzy’s obsession with getting a ring and getting engaged kind of… And I don’t want to be mean here because I do feel bad for her… It makes women look bad. There’s a prevalent type of man who who thinks that all women are like this, so we, as a people, shouldn’t perpetuate this stereotype.

Producer moment: every couple is being asked if they’re going to have sex on the first night. Clearly scripted.

Darzy’s friend shows Tom her cleavage on FaceTime and I’m so grossed out. He’s a total slimeball. Then the next day he ends up gaslighting her into apologizing for being upset about it. I can’t. Darzy gets gaslit so much, she needs a flame-retardant dress. And therapy.

How weird are twins? Like in general. Imagine having a duplicate of yourself?

Then we see her putting on her lashes and she says the creepiest thing: “This one’s for you, Tom.” She’s like Elmira Duff from Tiny Toons, but with men.

Does anyone know where Darzy gets her money from? I’m fascinated by people who have a couple extra grand to spend on suitcases. Speaking of which, can we talk about Jefree Star?

Tim Is Political

I do appreciate his grooming habits, however.

So I found out that Tim is actually pretty right-wing, which is great because that gives me complete free rein to make fun of him.

While I do appreciate his grooming habits, I do not appreciate his politics. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised that he’s an adamant conservative considering that he makes guns for a living, but still… I wish TLC cast members would keep their politics off of social media so that I could enjoy my shitty television in peace, as an escape from the horrors that are happening in our society.

I will not link you to his instagram and Twitter because I don’t want to give his messaging a platform, but it’s unfiltered!

I love the shady editors who cut to the dog that looks like a wolf, as though he’s being thrown to the wolves.

Idk, this is the least interesting couple. What do we think happened to Jeffrey Epstein. He’s still alive, right?

I can’t put my finger on it yet, but there’s something weird with Tim and his ex. They’re a little too close. Like, why did they break up in the first place? Maybe she became a lesbian. That would be the only explanation for her staying so close to him but not being in a relationship with him. Idk.

Next week, I’m probably gonna go back to watching The Other Way, tbh. If I have to keep recapping this, it will ruin everything I love.

I ended up watching last week’s episode of The Other Way because I am too hard on myself, which I’m working on in therapy.

I have like two thoughts.

  • Tiffany and Ronald’s wedding was beautiful. The ceremony was so lovely and little Daniel made me cry! (I’m ovulating!)
  • There are too many rules about sex in Qatar. I don’t like this domineering thing and I don’t think it’s going to work between Laura and Aladdin. Also, I wouldn’t want to touch a bird either.
  • Karine has literally aged ten years in the two that she ‘s known Paul.
  • I’m worried for Deavan and her blood pressure! That’s really high and I hope her dude makes it here soon!

Ok, that’s the end, bbs. Have a great week!

Wait, just kidding. I wrote all of that on Monday. Today is Tuesday. You know I went home and watched The Other Way. I couldn’t not! I felt compelled. It’s my calling.

Jenny Is Abandoned
Okay, Jenny trying to hail a tuk-tuk is my favorite thing. And I love that she’s determined to work, even though she doesn’t have a visa. Pole could learn a thing or two from her hardworking spirit!

The employment agency scene is cringeworthy. I think the guy definitely understands Jenny and is just pretending not to because she has blonde hair. Jenny would make a great brunette, tbh.

Also, I love a street haircut. Let’s get more barbers on the streets. That said, Sumit should definitely not leave her alone for days on end. She’s a fragile senior citizen! Jkjk, they are so in love and their relationship is beautiful.

Deavan Livestreams Her C-Section
Ok, I definitely wouldn’t want to livestream my c-section to Korea. And also, why are they peeking over the curtain like that? The main rule of c-sections is that you DON’T LOOK OVER THE CURTAIN!

This little baby is so adorable! He looks just like my cat, Snacks. I wish I could give birth to kittens.

Druscilla is back! I’ve missed her demonic little face!

I teared up when Jihoon met the baby for the first time. And then laughed real hard when he said “Ahhhhnoooose” and was proud of the kid’s balls. I laughed, I cried. This show is a real Forrest Gump movie.

Ronald Isn’t Protecting Daniel!
Ya’ll guys gotta get Ronald’s record scrubbed and moved to America because my dude Daniel needs to stay safe!

Paul Self-Soothes In A Chicken Coop
They’re still in Tongue In Cheeks and Paul is still out of his mind. I love that Karine calls him out: he doesn’t want to work and he hasn’t even learned Portugese!

Karine has been pregnant for like 24 months at this point.

When she calls him out, pull flees to a chicken coop and whispers to himself to calm down. He loves to run and threaten divorce, this guy. Then he blames Karine, who literally did nothing. He had this whole argument with himself. What a fucking psychopath. I hope he doesn’t own any guns.

Too real, I know. But seriously, he’s the type… Anyway. I would love to see a 90 Day Fiance MASH game. You know, husband, number of kids, apartment, shack or house. With my luck, I’d probably end up with Karine’s life.

You guys, he makes me so mad. I can’t. I’ll be back next week with more Before The 90 Days because those couples are real and their love is pure. Except for Pole.

Published at Tue, 13 Aug 2019 18:44:33 +0000

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